In part 1 of my “Who Am I?” series, I discussed the working mum’s identity crisis, and the daily struggle to try and accomplish everything. Today, I want to go deeper and look at what actually defines us and makes us who we are.
This goes way beyond titles such as mother, employee, housewife etc. Or does it? I’m talking about what truly defines us. How do other people perceive us?
In many ways, of course, what other people think is completely inconsequential, and trying to care less about what others have to say regarding our beliefs and actions is a big life lesson. That being said, I do think it’s really interesting to look at the perceptions other people hold.
For example, when I first met my husband (almost 15 years ago), he had a friend who everyone referred to as “rowing John” because rowing was John’s life. And I’m pretty sure Daniel Radcliffe will forever be Harry Potter, no matter what else he does.
When I think about what defines me today, I’m actually a bit clueless! Once upon a time I think people would have referred to me as “Thespy Amber” or “Amber with the really long hair” or, going way back, “dancer Amber.” Nowadays, none of those things really apply: I haven’t trodden the boards since my university days, I hacked off my bum-length hair a few years ago (although it has grown a lot since then) and, whilst I still love to dance, many people who met me after 2003 wouldn’t even know that I trained as a dancer for two decades! (More fun facts about me coming up in Part 3 of “Who Am I?“).
I suspect that my business currently defines me more than anything. Not least because so many people have met me through Lovefit, but also because it’s such a big part of my life. I decided to put my theory to the test and posted on social media to ask how people would describe me if they were trying to explain who I was to somebody else. Most people alluded to:
A) Fitness, being fit / sporty, being a fitness professional.
B) My husband (who is quite a weirdo really, and something of a character, so being married to him seems to be a thing of note).
C) Being kind / caring / compassionate / positive.
The above three things came up time and again (I had almost 100 comments in total!), and I feel quite differently about each of them.
It figures that people think of sport and fitness when they think of me. I’m a fitness coach so it makes sense, and I’ve done a reasonable amount of sporty things in my time: Cycled the length of the UK, surfed, snowboarded, completed a killer quadrathlon in Scotland, hiked the Inca Trail, competed at county level athletics back in school. BUT – and here’s the thing – right now I have to confess to being not very sporty at all. I mean, I haven’t hit the slopes since January 2014 (in fact I’ve only ever been three times, and am hardly very skilled). I’ve wobbled around on a surfboard twice but I’m a long way from being a surfer chick. My road bike has just come back from long term loan to a friend, and we only go “proper” hiking once or twice a year. So it would be far fetched to say that I’m a surfer / a snowboarder / a mountaineer. I do absolutely love doing outdoorsy active things. But I don’t have one particular sport that I devote all my spare time to.
So the point is that I feel a bit of a fraud when people have this image of me in their head, as this mega sporty lady.
Similar! But very different!
As for being defined by my husband… Well! Although it came as no surprise, it’s still a bit annoying to have your own sense of self upstaged by somebody else! In the same way that many women with children dislike being referred to simply as “a mum” or “{insert child’s name}’s mum” – being “the one who’s married to the bat / fish guy” is a bit disappointing. Perhaps the false image of me as a gnarly snowboarder is better, come to think of it! Seriously though, I suppose I’ve always assumed that we are not defined by things beyond our control (events, other people). Rather we ought to be defined by how we choose to react to those external influences. i.e. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond. And it’s those responses and reactions that determine the opinions of others.
Which is why I was genuinely surprised (and pleased) to find out that other people view me as a positive, nurturing type. I’ve always tried to be kind, and considerate of other people’s feelings. Often to the point of caring too much and overthinking pretty much every scenario I am faced with. I know that the reason I have a very loyal group of clients is because they know I care about them, and that my work is not just a job. And as far as everyone else is concerned, I do all this in a very bubbly, bouncy, upbeat way. Which is great! I’m glad it comes across like this, because the truth is that I’m not actually very positive at all. I’m a massive worrier, glass half empty, stew everything over, sensitive kinda gal. Truly.
So there you have it. It seems that above all else, Lovefit defines me – and I wouldn’t have it any other way. This makes me really happy. And if I also get perceived as a cool, sporty lass who happens to be married to a geeky, animal obsessed guy, that’s OK with me too.
I guess the bottom line is that people often view you very differently from how you view yourself. There’s a lot to be learned from that (especially for me)! The lesson? Forget your own hang ups and self doubts and ask yourself this: How would others describe me? You might be quite pleased with the answer.